Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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