He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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