Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
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Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
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I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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