half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
