Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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