She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
