i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize