just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
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The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
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one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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