I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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