I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
