I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
