i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
