hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
