in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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