my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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