respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
