operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
