does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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