I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
