I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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