If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize