Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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