My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Bring me that man meat
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
