I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
