True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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