wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
