so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
