im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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