I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
