That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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