I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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