Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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