i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
