What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
