It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Too much gin, very little bucket
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize