Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
