guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
