just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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