What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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