Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
