she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
how does that bad decision feel?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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