yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
They should really pass out barf bags in church
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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