Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
