my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
