In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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