Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
