i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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