He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
