how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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