I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
