I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
