Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
