He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
