you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
