Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
