I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
