i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
