I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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