Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This house was built for laser tag.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
