Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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